Hetalia Recipes: England
by qhckaloyhzcxtmb
Summary: Disgust your friends and drive them away forever by preparing the popular English food God Save the Queen *From This Dish*!


**A/N: Yum, yum! It seems there's plenty more recipes in the Hetalia cookbook. This recipe is a favorite... of our dogs. Enjoy!**

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English cooking is renowned the world over (not necessarily for positive reasons). This recipe combines the very essence of British food into one great dish. We at the Hetalia Kitchen are too scared to try this dish- you know, because it would, um, probably blow our minds away with its tastiness! Yeah, haha. That's it.

WARNING:

The Hetalia Kitchen is not responsible or held accountable for any death, injuries, mental or physical disturbances/scarring/damage. This dish may affect how you taste food forever and will grant you tastebuds no better than a rat's. If affected, do not eat any sort of ethnic food but English to save yourself embarrassment- that is, if you live after eating this.

Ingredients

*Time machine

*2 bottles of glass with cork

*Hallucinogenic drugs

*15 pounds of tea. Because it's very delicious~!

*Brown sausage, half a pound

*Two minced garlic cloves

*Stick of cinnamon

*A dozen eggs

*Sarcasm chips (chocolate flavored ones work best)

*Really big bowl

*Skillet

*Refrigerated dough

*Whisk

First off, if you've gotten this far, congratulations! You have actually acquired or built a time machine, which means you have changed history as we know it. The Hetalia Kitchen wishes to tip their hat at you (and would appreciate 10% of the money you make selling them, since we have mentioned you in our world famous cookbook and who doesn't love publicity?).

Set the date back to the 1700s. We're not sure how a time machine works, but make sure you land in England, preferably near a dock or place where there's ships. This step will take the longest time, as you must begin life anew during this time period and somehow make your way to the king and queen and offer your pirate services (you are one, right?), because you're willing to steal Spanish and French ships and their treasure. Should they accept, yay! You can go on to the next part. If you don't, keep trying. Hopefully they don't execute you for insanity.

Once you are a pirate, you will begin in the lowliest of ranks. Your rank is not what's important in this step, it's learning how to speak, act, behave, and just _be_ a pirate. The most crucial things you should pick up are their accents and attitude, because as you prepare the dish, you will be talking to the dish like a pirate, so It can absorb your pirateness and taste like a pirate's rancid sock (it gives it its trademark mushy, stinky flavor and texture). Stay as long as you need until you are a flawless, perfect pirate.

Conquered pirateness? Great, now you can get one bottle of glass out and scoop in some nice ocean water, filling it up too the top. Put the cork on tightly. The other glass bottle will be used by scooping up air, so just swing it and then put the cork on it. Once you have them, you can go back to your own time period.

Congratulations (again)! If you made it this far, you have not disrupted the space-time continuum while traveling back to the present! You, good sir/madam, are most talented. Expect a Nobel prize in your future.

Now it's time to actually make the dish. Get the bottle of water out and pour it into the bowl. The 15 pounds of tea go into it. Yes, we don't expect you to have a billion fucking gallons of tea- you should have some watery almost-tea at the bottom and wet, clumpy tea-mush-crap at the top. This is what you want.

On the skillet, put the sausage, garlic, and cinnamon. Sautéuntil it looks even more like shit.

Next, pour the meaty mush into the tea. You should almost automatically start using your foul pirate language, declaring this dish to truly smell like ass mixed with dead skunk, which we guess you'd be right. If, however, you weren't vulgar enough prior to your trip, then commence the insults! They will make the tea meat mush inflate considerably and develop a monster appearance. It is unconfirmed as to whether this means it's alive. The words most likely to make the crap bloat are "You bloody git!", "Damn it, this fucking smells", "Piss off, you smelly bastard", and "Wanker!".

What's that, you say? These aren't pirate words? Just normal British insults?

Well, the trip _was_ fun, right?

Anyway, after it inflates, wobble the bowl a bit. If the dish moves like gelatin, great. If the dish sticks to the side great. If the dish eats your hand, great. Anything goes as long as it doesn't actually look tasty.

It is now time to ingest the drugs. What this does is not hallucinations, but makes you see the _truth_. Human eyes are prone to deception; the drugs let the dimensions and invisible creatures become visible. Unicorns, flying mint bunnies, Captain Hook (the pirate experience may have been rough on you), fairies, and gnomes are the most common sightings, but seeing naked Frenchmen asking for your hand in marriage, annoying Americans, and annoying, little, young brats claiming to be grown up have been known to happen.

As you break the dozen eggs and put them in the mixture (shells included), talk to your new friends. Discuss anything you want- they can keep your secrets! Note this is best done while alone. Continue the conversations as you sprinkle the sarcasm chips on top, then mixing the whole thing using your hands, dispersing the chips and flavor. It should achieve an even shittier appearance before you move on to the next step.

Take the dough and roll it out very thickly. Take the mush thingy out of the bowl and plop it in he middle of the dough. The dough should be big enough as to cover all of the dish, because you're going to be mimicking a meat pie. Roll it over the whole thing, pinching the edges closed. Once you have the whole thing covered, make sure you do not have any rips in the dough, because now you can beat the hell out of it with the whisk.

After the whole thing looks like someone barfed and stepped on it, insert into oven and bake at a toasty 1000° F . When you smell smoke, it means you did something right. Take the dish out as soon as you detect it, because it's done.

Before you can enjoy your dish, take the bottle of glass full of 1700s pirate air and drink it. Your imaginary friends will appear to vanish in a hazy mist and you will resume to talk like a pirate. You may now enjoy your dish, before you die anyway. Have a good one, and God save the Queen!


End file.
